Gathered: Power of Proximity
Staying Out of the Monkey Cage: Finding Peace in Your Relationships
There's a fascinating story about a mentor who took his protégé to the zoo for a meeting. As they sat on a bench watching the chimpanzees, the mentor asked a simple question: "What do you see?"
"Monkeys in an enclosure," came the reply.
"Tell me more."
"Well, they're picking up their excrement and throwing it at each other."
The mentor paused, then delivered a profound piece of wisdom: "You're working with people. Make sure you don't get in the monkey cage."
We've all been there, haven't we? Caught up in drama, tension, and relational chaos that resembles nothing more than primates hurling waste at one another. If we're honest, every single one of us has been attracted to, caught up in, or drawn into drama at some point in our lives. The question isn't whether we'll encounter relational challenges—it's how we'll navigate them.
The Proximity Principle
Here's a truth we can't escape: relationships aren't optional. From the very beginning of creation, after God declared everything "good," He looked at humanity and said something different: "It's not good for man to be alone." Even in paradise, with perfect companionship among creation, human connection was essential.
This creates what we might call the proximity principle: We will be close to people in life. The question becomes whether our influence will reflect the kingdom of God or the kingdoms of this world.
The writer of Hebrews understood this when he urged believers to "consider one another in order to spur us on, stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together." Gathering isn't optional—but healthy gathering must be intentional.
As we approach the end of the year, gathering intensifies. Seventy-three percent of Americans will gather with family on Thanksgiving. Eighty-six percent will gather during the Christmas season. Office parties, friend gatherings, family reunions—the calendar fills with people, and with people come potential issues.
Learning from Abraham's Wisdom
The story of Abram (later Abraham) and his nephew Lot offers profound insights into navigating relational tension. When strife developed between their herdsmen, Abram didn't ignore it, gossip about it, or let it fester. He addressed it directly—and with remarkable grace.
"Please let there be no strife between you and me," Abram said to Lot. "Is not the whole land before you? Please, separate from me. If you take the left, then I'll go to the right. If you go to the right, then I'll take the left."
Here's what makes this extraordinary: God had given all that land to Abram. It was his by divine promise. Yet he gave Lot first choice. That's grace in action.
Lot's response reveals a different posture. He chose the well-watered plain—the premium real estate. He didn't defer to his uncle who had taken him in, protected him, and provided for him. Where Abram demonstrated grace, Lot displayed greed.
This contrast illuminates a fundamental truth: we can't navigate relationships successfully without grace. Our personality, posture, and pride can hinder us in gathered spaces where there should be peace.
Four Principles for Healthy Relationships
First, be a person of prayer. Abram was known for calling on the name of the Lord. But prayer isn't about performance or eloquent speeches before God. It's conversation—dialogue where we speak to Him and listen as He speaks to us.
Think about it: if we had access to a wealthy king, we'd use that connection. Yet we have access to the King of Kings, and often we approach relational interactions with only our own wisdom and opinions. Prayer should cover every significant relationship in our lives—spouse, children, parents, friends, extended family.
Second, discern issues early. Where there's more than one person, there will be issues. This isn't a possibility—it's a certainty. The key is addressing problems before they escalate into drama. Jesus provided clear instruction: when there's a problem, go directly to that person. Don't triangulate by involving others. Don't vent to ten people. Go with the right heart, at the right time, seeking reconciliation rather than vindication.
We often make mountains out of molehills, rehearsing conversations in our minds until minor offenses become major conflicts. Modern cars have bumpers designed to absorb five-mile-per-hour impacts without damage. We need relational bumpers too—the ability to absorb minor bumps without creating demolition derby gatherings.
Third, deny the possibility of drama. Make up your mind that you won't entertain yourself by throwing verbal waste at people you love. This requires both grace and boundaries. Sometimes it means having difficult conversations. Sometimes it means extending forgiveness for the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us.
Fourth, make intentional choices about relationships. This involves caring for your most significant relationships through quality time, quantity of time, and frequency. It means coming back to broken relationships when possible, living peaceably as much as it depends on you. Sometimes it requires cutting off harmful relationships that consistently pull you down. And it always involves creating opportunities for meaningful connections, because we're not called to do life alone.
Moving Forward
Perhaps you're reading this while anticipating gatherings over the next several weeks with some trepidation. Maybe there's a broken relationship you don't know how to repair. Perhaps you feel isolated, bruised by past relational wounds, or trapped in a cycle of toxic interactions.
The journey toward healthy relationships starts with prayer. It starts with calling on the Lord, just as Abraham did. God can do in moments what we've been trying to accomplish for years.
You might be dealing with a distant child, a strained marriage, or a severed friendship. Maybe you've tried to fix it repeatedly without success. Don't give up. The 101st prayer might be the key when the first hundred seemed unanswered.
Gathering isn't optional, but you can learn to navigate relationships with grace, wisdom, and the peace that comes from walking closely with God. You don't have to stay in the monkey cage. There's a better way—a kingdom way—of doing relationships.
And it starts today.
There's a fascinating story about a mentor who took his protégé to the zoo for a meeting. As they sat on a bench watching the chimpanzees, the mentor asked a simple question: "What do you see?"
"Monkeys in an enclosure," came the reply.
"Tell me more."
"Well, they're picking up their excrement and throwing it at each other."
The mentor paused, then delivered a profound piece of wisdom: "You're working with people. Make sure you don't get in the monkey cage."
We've all been there, haven't we? Caught up in drama, tension, and relational chaos that resembles nothing more than primates hurling waste at one another. If we're honest, every single one of us has been attracted to, caught up in, or drawn into drama at some point in our lives. The question isn't whether we'll encounter relational challenges—it's how we'll navigate them.
The Proximity Principle
Here's a truth we can't escape: relationships aren't optional. From the very beginning of creation, after God declared everything "good," He looked at humanity and said something different: "It's not good for man to be alone." Even in paradise, with perfect companionship among creation, human connection was essential.
This creates what we might call the proximity principle: We will be close to people in life. The question becomes whether our influence will reflect the kingdom of God or the kingdoms of this world.
The writer of Hebrews understood this when he urged believers to "consider one another in order to spur us on, stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together." Gathering isn't optional—but healthy gathering must be intentional.
As we approach the end of the year, gathering intensifies. Seventy-three percent of Americans will gather with family on Thanksgiving. Eighty-six percent will gather during the Christmas season. Office parties, friend gatherings, family reunions—the calendar fills with people, and with people come potential issues.
Learning from Abraham's Wisdom
The story of Abram (later Abraham) and his nephew Lot offers profound insights into navigating relational tension. When strife developed between their herdsmen, Abram didn't ignore it, gossip about it, or let it fester. He addressed it directly—and with remarkable grace.
"Please let there be no strife between you and me," Abram said to Lot. "Is not the whole land before you? Please, separate from me. If you take the left, then I'll go to the right. If you go to the right, then I'll take the left."
Here's what makes this extraordinary: God had given all that land to Abram. It was his by divine promise. Yet he gave Lot first choice. That's grace in action.
Lot's response reveals a different posture. He chose the well-watered plain—the premium real estate. He didn't defer to his uncle who had taken him in, protected him, and provided for him. Where Abram demonstrated grace, Lot displayed greed.
This contrast illuminates a fundamental truth: we can't navigate relationships successfully without grace. Our personality, posture, and pride can hinder us in gathered spaces where there should be peace.
Four Principles for Healthy Relationships
First, be a person of prayer. Abram was known for calling on the name of the Lord. But prayer isn't about performance or eloquent speeches before God. It's conversation—dialogue where we speak to Him and listen as He speaks to us.
Think about it: if we had access to a wealthy king, we'd use that connection. Yet we have access to the King of Kings, and often we approach relational interactions with only our own wisdom and opinions. Prayer should cover every significant relationship in our lives—spouse, children, parents, friends, extended family.
Second, discern issues early. Where there's more than one person, there will be issues. This isn't a possibility—it's a certainty. The key is addressing problems before they escalate into drama. Jesus provided clear instruction: when there's a problem, go directly to that person. Don't triangulate by involving others. Don't vent to ten people. Go with the right heart, at the right time, seeking reconciliation rather than vindication.
We often make mountains out of molehills, rehearsing conversations in our minds until minor offenses become major conflicts. Modern cars have bumpers designed to absorb five-mile-per-hour impacts without damage. We need relational bumpers too—the ability to absorb minor bumps without creating demolition derby gatherings.
Third, deny the possibility of drama. Make up your mind that you won't entertain yourself by throwing verbal waste at people you love. This requires both grace and boundaries. Sometimes it means having difficult conversations. Sometimes it means extending forgiveness for the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us.
Fourth, make intentional choices about relationships. This involves caring for your most significant relationships through quality time, quantity of time, and frequency. It means coming back to broken relationships when possible, living peaceably as much as it depends on you. Sometimes it requires cutting off harmful relationships that consistently pull you down. And it always involves creating opportunities for meaningful connections, because we're not called to do life alone.
Moving Forward
Perhaps you're reading this while anticipating gatherings over the next several weeks with some trepidation. Maybe there's a broken relationship you don't know how to repair. Perhaps you feel isolated, bruised by past relational wounds, or trapped in a cycle of toxic interactions.
The journey toward healthy relationships starts with prayer. It starts with calling on the Lord, just as Abraham did. God can do in moments what we've been trying to accomplish for years.
You might be dealing with a distant child, a strained marriage, or a severed friendship. Maybe you've tried to fix it repeatedly without success. Don't give up. The 101st prayer might be the key when the first hundred seemed unanswered.
Gathering isn't optional, but you can learn to navigate relationships with grace, wisdom, and the peace that comes from walking closely with God. You don't have to stay in the monkey cage. There's a better way—a kingdom way—of doing relationships.
And it starts today.
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